And everything is going to the beat
And everything is going to the beat
And everything is going

And you said
It was like fire around the brim
Burning solid
Burning thin the burning rim
Like stars burning holes right through the dark
Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes
You were one inch from the edge of this bed
I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

They couldn't think of something to say the day you burst
(They'll try to rely in?) for all their might and all their thirst
They crowd your bedroom like some thoughts wearing thin
Against the walls against your rules against your skin
My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors
Of your eyes but go in disguise like a sleepyhead, sleepyhead

Go ahead

safe

ive relaxed and am resorting to not being a psychopath anymore :)

i have UO denim leggings, they are so nice but i will never be able to wear them out due to odd figure which doesnt allow for them. i also have a cute UO blouse from the sale which looks nice with them. i actually love UO. its so overpriced and that sort of makes me like it more, which is rediculas. stupid desirable brand name.

its the wierdest thing realising i dont have school. no more gravel times with ana and nadia and their advice which definately definately works. yesterday i had my first sober kiss since i was 15, i behaved like a complete idiot with all the cringing and general dying. i had a dream last night that we kissed in a hedge and these killer badgers chased us. i need to stop having dreams about him and telling him, its been a total of 4 now. so now im thinking, cant wait for gravel times to tell ana and nadia! but then its like, o thats not going to exist.

also my dad owes me some high heels. i would go for kurt geiger but they remind me too much of something anoying so thats a neh. there are no good shoes in the shops just when i have the opportunity to own some. webcam picture, cuz i felt like it and my nails took ages:

also

"Im reading my leavers shirt in bed. Your mentioned on it like 4 times. One in massive letters. So yer. Its defo for the best that we see/go out purely based on the shirt."




- Ahimsan; says:
i still remember how to split hydrocarbons

behaviour says:
hahaha

behaviour says:
how

behaviour says:
ooh

behaviour says:
is that that fuck off machine

- Ahimsan; says:
long chain hydrocarbons split up with fraction distillation

behaviour says:
YEH

- Ahimsan; says:
TOO SICK

behaviour says:
LOVE THAT SHIT

- Ahimsan; says:
innnnnit

ive never actually found myself in may before?!

We'll make necklaces of scrapped metal and some loose twine

We'll try our hardest to finish three bottles of cheap wine

Because we both know as we get older our taste will improve

But for tonight let's pretend we've got something to lose

Two stabs to my side
I'm screaming through this smile

That I'm so happy you're happy

My fingernails are what scarred your hardwood floor

As I tried my hardest to leave my mark

As I dragged myself out your door

Because I know as I get older my taste will improve

But for tonight, I'll pretend that you will do

Hey beautiful, you're not beautiful

(6 days of actual school left, then i escape!

apart from the month-and-two-days of exams left

and the overwhelming pressure to actually get into university

not mentioning the lack of control in my life anymore

and the adrenaline which literally hurt$

today had great convos with nadia and ana,

who have instructed me to ignor the boy. difficult.

difficult to try and show someone whos ignoring you

that your actually ignoring them too

itd be easier to go crazy, im such a novice, my instinct

is never ever wrong, and this worries me.

i clearly cant even compose my thoughts enough

to blog them at all. hello rambles. enjoy.)

i get clingy to my family when life confuses me too much

here is me and brother:

noooo

cba for literacy. EVER. AGAIN. cba to actually sound cool or normal or vaguely non psychopathic on this blog either. so fuck it. okay I have bare good instinct it seems. so does everyone. why dont i just listen to it? mmmmi feel so sorry for my immune system with all the poisonous stress im inflicting onto it. hhhhhsbvhow does one destress?ahgoing to sprint down the roadgoing to knife self in the face etc etc.

i remember lying in the front garden in the gravel in the rain for literally 40 minutes once.

wish i could shut my playboy mouth

:)
smiliezzz
i am a butch man who drowns french milipeeds in water.
im not even gonna put this in small font.

so i knew last night was going to go wierdly, but i had no idea itd be that odd, awkward, crushing, exiting, what kind of psycho says those things? the wierd thing is that im definately not even mad. like at all. like fair enough if she wants to say those things, its only made people dislike her temporarily. yeahh where is my phone manz gotta text back. its so cringey now. cant believe awkwardness existed. it was aw$ome. hi maya. msn me bb.

dappy explain doe

my life since the last time i wrote anything on this blog:

30th- reading line up announced, gym with elliza
31st- make monopoly at amys house when brike didnt turn up, big argument
2cd- amy come to mine to continue monopoly and babysitting
3rd- holidays begin
4th- alex mayers party and afterskool club. the best night ever, slept at ellies
5th- shopping in london with chloe
6th- parks, trocadero, subway, anchor with jamie. worst day. watch brike swim
7th- about your bear gig. too much alcahol. slept at frankies
8th- driving theory in the morning. gym with elliza. charity shops with nadia and gloria. bluewater with frankie
9th- pubbing with daytown number swapping gang. head injury half a glass of wine
11th- road trip in amys car to the end of the world and the creation of alcaholic sweets. haunting in connecticut movie
12th- frankies 18th birthday, drinking at her house and passing out in the bath
13th- the end of an era, buying alcahol legally in pyjamas. chandos pub and zoo bar
14th- filming as amy reterns to us, slept over
15th- give frankie her monopoly, food shopping mature bargains and slept over
16th- bromley. tiger tiger club.

i know this is wierd, but i genuinely feel most attractive when im looking like a state, see picture three. no effort is actually sooo the best way to live. that was the outfit i was in when an era ended.

extra handy box

pass me brekfast through the window

*
the night bus was too silly,

lets quit having lives. what was the point of leaving a party though? i dont regret staying, boat parties are quite nice as the sights of london are really pretty. i didnt drink that much but i hadnt eaten due to having hidden out in my room "like a mysterious house ghost, who you know is there but never see" from the awkwardness of my brothers german exchange. i spent the whole night stalking some silly chav and then got on someone hotter. the cringe ohh the cringe is flooding back to me now. i didnt want to kiss him because he'd just swapped numbers with my friend and id just complained about stealing other peoples boys. it was too cold on deck, he actually complimented me, and i said, oh god my friend is going to see me kiss you, this is so bad. and then we kissed. chavvy boy was loitering round watching it and kept saying "im on to you!" which i didnt understand then but now i think he thought i was trying to make him jelouse?! i went to afterskool, sneaking in having to runn for it, and chavvy boy was there and i kissed him too, because it was 1 yr and 1 day since last time. it was all "romantic" and "meaningful" and i just thought, i reaaally dont fancy you anymore, your wearing a suit you look like a idiot. so i said, see you next year! and walked off leaving him looking like a twat standing by himself on the dancefloor. i then played would you rather with the hotter boy, who bashed his head on the sign and got concussed. im not used to people i get with talking to me the next day, but he did? maybe he was brought up well.

no one on the corner have swagger like us ~~

*

There's no fear when I'm in my room

It's so clear and I know just what I want to do

All day bedroom dancing

my best friend

how hot is this?!

i'll go to school later, i could have gone this hour but i missed my chance and will go next hour. Im sitting in my giant bed, slightly cold when i move my hands out of the duvet to type. article 20: everyone has the right to freedom of assembly and association. i wrote my yearbook yesterday, its all year 11 stuff im not even allowed to put in. hmm, we are going to book a holiday, im going to ask for it to be my present. the trouble is there not exactly going to give me spending money too, how will i eat/live? one day i want to wear tops better.

beggit

I saw both men and women pushing past her, not acknowledging her, talking to Sid. I think a lot of her nastiness and temper tantrums were rooted in that. I was there one night in a club where some girl offered Sid her number. Nancy said, ‘Push her down the stairs.’ And he did, without a second thought. He was a knight in rusty armor.

Nancy’s wound wouldn’t have killed her if it had been attended to promptly, but Sid had gobbled fistfuls of the barbiturate mix Tuinal. “In my opinion, he was a little on the henpecked side,” says Colicchio, in and out of the room that night. “I don’t think he would’ve killed her unless she told him to. "

trang pak made out with a hot dog

bototbtbtbtbtb 09, this means my more pictures folder has over a year of pictures, thats more than the other folders, i should make a new one but it doesnt feeeel complete yet. i have to wait for the feeeeeel. feeeeeeeeeel. i love the weather, sunshine makes everyone look good.
exept ana

and has been since ever ever ever!x

"on my life ill try today, theres so much ive felt i should say, but even if your heart would listen, i doubt i could explain."

dont come back dont come back dont come back i dont want to be like how i was, im happier when you are far away, leave me leave me alone xxxx

this is the price you pay for a loss of control

ive been too obcessed with buying jumpers to cover my arms, and warm things so i dont die on the walk to the bus stop. so today was sunny and i was like, frick, what the hell, im a summer baby and i live for summer and i live for the nakedness and the freeness, but it seems i have no idea what to put on? so it was a big hoody and boots. im saving up some money, i want cute short dresses, i want new hair and im going to cut it myself xx


photocredit to lookbook, i liked the top

milk bottle drink

day two out of three of this rediculasly detrimental vodka binge.





as displayed on the right; lovely combination of amys biology homework and some cheap cheap vodka. we got so drunk that frankie and i started playing twister with the floor "LEFTT HANDD CARPET! RIGHT LEG KEYS!" and half way through skins decided to have a drunk shower in our underwear. we flooded the room, and the water dripped two floors down; we were terrified to leave the room so stayed in there until eventually drunkenly stumbling out and wishing to leave leave leave leave leave. so we did, started walking from the middle of no where which is briggstown, freeeezing cold.

thus i love getting drunk on a school night. the next day, disorientated and dehydrated we went back into school. i had no phone, oyster, money, food, coat, pencilcase, SOCKS. the socks was the worst thing, i couldnt deal with life?!

when i got home my mother had been making bread. i decided to brush the crust with milk. this, we discovered, is what you should not do to bread. results:

anyway, i went to london with frankie and ellie and the most random eltham boys which made life so wierd and awkward, but then we had had a lot of drink to drink and milk bottle drink was the literal best thing.. we did the most retarded things like punching ourselves so we could have a bruise which james briggs would apparantly have given us according to our emotional blackmailing to amy hunter for a lift home. constantly alternated between affectionate and angry at mike. couldnt be bothered to go clubbing so came home on the last train, quoting inbetweeners and peep show ("i can neither confirm or deny" "you said she was a knuckle head, and she should knuckle down or else youl knuckle her fat head") where we bumped into ana who had come back from her date with toni terror, aka gothic ali g. awesome, so we eated pastas and slept. alcahol sleep. bad bad alcahol sleep. in 4 hours im going back to my other home to begin to get poison my body all over again... mm surprise parties with nothing to wear!

party thee on

party thee on

the innocent smoothie diet,
vodka has 55 calories per 25ml shot.
my parents are going to be pleased;
they hate the price of innocent
but what can you do when its so good?

today i slept through my psychology mock and my business lecture, then i had a craving to go into town and purchase shitloads of fashion magazines. i will i think, its stopped raining. article 18: everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion. when i walked into anas bedroom i said, omg yaay you have the freedom rights poster, i have that! and she replied, err alright loser. i was like, HELLO YOU HAVE THE POSTER TOO. i love her xxxxxx thought i would forget, but i remember! i remember!

sometimes I miss you so bad I can hardly stand it

cute.
i have nothing to write, i have tasted my own blog forcing medicine and it is bitter!

so at the weekend i passed up the opportunity for a party to hang out with my briggstowners, thus is how much they are my life. we slept at amys instead. but on saterday, i braved the real world and went to afterschool for nadias birthday. getting ready with mom(ana) was fun, with her complaints about being a beached whale, outfit dilemmas, lipstick dilemmas, necklace dilemmas, and then the fact we both ended up wearing nighties as dresses. nadia broke up with chalky in the rain, while i stood with houston taking a step back every time he stepped forward.

on the bus we ate the birthday cookie cake, until we felt so sick we gave it to a random. i got off at my last stop and realised i was completely on my own, it was 5 in the morning, no one was around, exept a man behind me. i realised how silly that was as it put me in a really vunerable position, and it shocked me :s

still alive, miraculasly, the briggstowners re joined on sunday and we ventured back to amys where we watched pulse and had the usual lolz. amy bakes good cupcakes, today ive had too much saturated fat and i feel ill and sick. i want to fit into my bodycon dress next saterday, this isnt the best way to go about it.

xo

word vomit from facebook

1. my lucky number always used to be 13 until i turned 14 and realised that 14 was actually the best number in the world.
2. i keep my underwear in a box due to lack of storage space, exept up until last week it was kept in a paper bag hung on my door handle.
3. i dont really use capital letters ever. sorry.
4. i know all the ph's to most waters and i cant stand ph's which arnt about 7.2-7.4. the worst waters ive ever drank was ph6 in the spoons cafe and ph8 in bluewater last month.
5. i have two types of socks: fun socks and bed socks. i have to sleep with socks on
6. my bedroom is an ice cavernnnn and i freak out if someone turns the radiator on.
7. i love documenting life soo much because im terrified il forget something fun that happened, but i love discovering old things ive temporarily forgotten
8. alexisonfire are my favourite band and i cant choose between the albums. once i told someone this and they asked me "so then do you like dallas green?" and i said "i havnt heard of them." gaaah
9. i have a tacky taste in clothes which i have to control and stop myself wearing hideous things which i secretely want to
10. heroes is life, im in love with sylar i want him to murder me i think when he killed elle it was the sexiest thing everrr
11. bromley highs moral mountains scare me because i know my mind works a bit wrongly and bromley high is hypocritical anyway
12. i cant listen to brand new anymore
13. i get my internet disconnected mostt nights by crazy parents and it anoys the hell out of me and i dont understand why they do it
14. i have space issues when i sleep unless im very very drunk
15. i havnt eaten potatoes since i can remember as they are my no1 hated food, but i like chips
16. i have a human rights poster by my bed listing 30 human rights and my favourites are articles number 24, 25, 27 and 1
17. monopoly is soooo fun and i often win even though its a game of chance.
18. i like summer and shortshorts and boxers and i cant tell the time non dignitally
19. i saw equus (naked harry potter) with lainzz
20. i was a vegetarian for a year and a half in year seven, but it was more because i just hated food, and my mum used to force feed me it anyway.
21. i hate hate hate jeans; they are so uncomfortable that i cant deal with it and they are unflattering anyway. but recently i have started wearing them more (like once every 2 months) due to fear of bromley high.
22. ive never had a proper proper boyfriend
23. in year 9 i lost 'snowy and banky' which id had since i was born, so my mum bought me a shitty bear factory bear which i codnt even think of a name for, exept years on its name eventually became 'unloved replacement teddy' and now i love it
24. my name means cow in hebrew, which nadia used to tease me about when we were in year 4
25. theres a fat man who lives opposite me and sometimes i stalk his movements and document his life in my notepad, because he doesnt shut his curtains. i found out his name is paul. i tried to contact him once by flashing my lights but he never notices my existance because he is too fat

is that what you call a getaway.. tell me what you got away with?

SPORTS BRA TIME.yea so yesterday evening i went to london fashion weekend, it was actually like in the movies when young ladies in heels pull each others hair and stamp others out the way to get to the shoes etc. i bought a pink bag and a gold bag, spending money which isnt mine that i actually stole off my brother.. eep bad karma. nono, i dont believe in karma, because the love of my life doesnt, therefore its fine. anyway so i saw this dress which was a pastel peach colour and so beautiful and delicate and unusual. i hyperventilated, and when i tried it on (it was an extreamly bitchy queue to wait in) to found it was too small D: D: it didnt QUITE do up, a centimetre too small...

so i walked away, and i got over it but i was immediately in a bad mood and felt a bit sick to be away from it, so i ran away from chloe and fought my way back to the place i found it, not being able to breathe on the way, until i saw it there, and paid for it.

well now its sitting on my on lap while i appreciate it and realise i now have to go to the gym if i ever want to successfully wear this dress. is it wrong that it looks good when i put my bra over the top of the dress? i might wear it like that at reading, everythings acceptable there.

so the conclusion of my long winded story, sports bra time! im off to body combat.

ADRENALINE HURTS

im not articulate enough to express myself without sounding like an idiot. why is this making me so sad?! i cant deal with it when people dont understand life. i cant breathe.
i love that album cover

l-l-l-l-l-lick me like a lollipop

the bright colours on my blog are really starting to bug me, perhaps i should tone it down. i try to and then i upload pictures like this:

failure! i cant escape! these cakes are the love children of myself and evelyns creativity in the kitchen (cough.) i kept the bunnytastic cake, although the white icing is now disintigrating into the blue as its going on three and a bit weeks old now mm.

i wana go out this weekend, but i have a lack of outfits and the fear of being trapped in random londonland so late. i might perhaps ask my parents to collect me, if im drunk it tooootally wont be my fault :) i want to wear this dress, but i want to wear it to a different party instead, oh the dilemz. it would also mean id have to take it up by friday, look its too long! love the belt though, a great vintage find. me and amy are going to make a briggstown monopoly, with our varius houses and places weve visited like cudham and lullingstone castle. i suppose if we run out of places to add, we will just have to adventure more! i over indulged in carbs today, i feel a bit bad about it. article 24: everyone has the right to rest and leisure

xo

medicate yourself

blog addiction has worn off, hiiiii!x
this is my £8 oversized cricket jumper which i have just become addicted to and worn a shameful three times since i bought it a week ago. oh dear, i must invest in more interesting and unusual forms of warmth. so my black bag came today, its really pretty a good life asset. anyway, wrapped up in the previous jumper i journeyed to london to visit little maya to enforce autotimed capture upon her.
hello purchases. maya bought the big bowling bag as you see thus: and we met up with her friend and wandered round having run out of money. parks with packed lunches and jammy dodgers :)

i found a really really nice belt for £2, im so proud of it. and a cute dress for £25. then in the evening, i went to see the unborn with the whole briggstown-goes-abroad-crew exept if you replace amy hunter for toni. it was a bit pissing anoying actually, because me and amy j had planned the whole thing only to have our plan stolen away from us as briggs and toni decided to go by themselves, and their the ones with the cars. well, eventually, the plan was restored. and i broke my lent with a teeeny bit of tracker chocolate bar which doesnt count if i dont tell anyone :)

the film was one of those jumpy films, but i was actually impressed and fairly more scared even though it was one of those 'combination of other films' film. the guy who plays james in twilight was in it, so frankie and i were calculating how this happened before he turned into a vampire. there was a bit in the film when none of us looked, we all hid our eyes and then all went WHAT JUST HAPPENED?? WHAT DID I MISS??

anyway i shall end this blog with this picture, which i found rediculasly funny when nadia linked me to it, some cultures are toooo wierd! peace out xo

the tokyo look book

this blog is in omege to simon pegg, for no reason.
evelyn got her tattoo today, and i want mine loadsloadsloads. the second i find an ID im gonna get it! im unsure about this weekend, i hate things getting mustered up and i hate trekking to london for parties without free bar. i also feel bad about not turning up to things i said id attend on facebook. talking of facebook, i have two friend requests from people i dont want to accept from, i prefer not having them added. cant click decline, dont want to click accept. goodtimes.

i may say it was your fault, cause i know you could have done more

this is my name in chinese. well its not my full name, because 'r's dont exist in china, but its becki and its funn :) i look at my profile and i think its too colourful, and i want to change it but then i realise i cant because ive always been too attracted to bright colours, shapes, im just like a toddler.

today i visited portsmouth uni, it was depressing and made me think BRIGHTONBRIGHTONBRIGHTON. the only shops there are fatface, ripcurl, oniell, etc outlets. exept i did get an oversized cricket jumper to wear as a dress. it just wasnt my scene. it was dull, it was old, it was boring. but how on earth am i going to get BBC? its impossible, im flunking art so much right now.

this was going to be my school outfit yesterday,,, ,...until i noticed i was bulging out of it. so i changed into a large safe hoody instead, and have gone on a lent health organza, i am going to treat my body as a temple and fill it with only the good nutrients it diserves.

xo

we dont look a day over 8!

hii school uniform; it sort of ruins the outfit when i pair it with my chocolate uggs, but there so irrestistably comfortable when its so cold in the mornings that i cant help it. i like the double bow idea, these pictures are very bad quality but ive never been much of a photographer. Its four in the morning, i went to bed when i got home after being a zombie bride all day and falling asleep under a table.

im reading twilight4, so far its been rather terrible im only continueing to find out what happens rather than enjoying being dragged through plot lines i dislike and am disappointed with. I ate my last vegepot today and tomorrow will therefore suffer from a vegetable deficiency, its just not as fun eating mountains of peas anymore.

new diet plan:
my life needs protein and zinc and healthy stuff. ive worked out i could eat like this:
brekfast: egg and fruitjuice. break: apple. lunch: vegepot and cereal bar. dinner: pot of tuna

of course this will never happen :)

im creating a little music playlist for my page as i do this, hi blog obcession. evelyn better not tell anyone that we have blogspot and link them to it, i like the privacy of this i like that only maya and evey can read it. so today i dragged myself through the hours and it was the most painful thing.

M I A is amazing, theres something so ugly but so attractive about her, exibit A:effortlessly cool is what it is, and the bright nineties colours, and the fact that shes about a billion years old but still hot as fuck, exibit B:
almost makes me wish i was tamil, and makes me realise i need cool trainers before i drown in a sea of bad shoes. talking of shoes, i need a really really bright pair to wear with black tights. xo

well, it's been too long and I will burn no more

im thinking about the summer, i really really enjoy walking, its literally one of my favourite hobbies. in summer im going to sleep all day and walk all night, im going to form a gang of fellow nocturnals and wake them up and make them come walking with me, harbans says he will.

i need new bags and i need new tattoos, although people are telling me to save my money. my plan:
1 small black back (ordered off asos :)
1 small colour bag (i want the amazing £120 one from camden, clearly isnt going to happen)
1 medium bag (what exactly is a medium sized bag? i actually think this size is stupid, but i feel having a variety of bags is a necessity.)
1 large pauls boutique bag (sorry but there HAWT)
1 large possibly topshop bag (they seem handy and nice)
1 large interesting awesome bag (i love the designer labels but hello credit crunch and all)
and that is my bag plan!

i also need the urban outfitters pull on jean, no matter how unflattering, i swear i will quit carbs and look good in them. also could do with another american apparal skirt, simple easy outfits are the best. and lets not forget my shoe collection has to grow; you never realise how good long legs are until you change into a pair of massive heels. i love these ones:but i think their from america, and i have similar black heels anyway. when i was younger i used to dislike being slightly tall because it made me too tall in heels, but now i love it and appreciate the height and sometimes wish i was taller.

im so addicted to little girls pointing and laughing by alexisonfire (this is nothing new); listening to it on repeat

I want you to ruin me, ruin me
(Please, just give me back my heart
Well, it's been too long and I will burn no more)
I want you to ruin me
(Tired of all these lies and elsewhere eyes of yours)
I want you to ruin me, ruin me
(So I will scream and dream of what's to come)
I want you to ruin me.

peace out, pancakes tomorrow xox

i get tongue tied

those lyrics make me cry, today isnt fun, id like to blame alcahol/ tiredness/ etc i hate feeling lost its something i feel all the time now
To be lost in the forestTo be cut adriftYou've been trying to reach meYou bought me a bookTo be lost in the forestTo be cut adriftI've been paidI've been paidDon't get offendedIf I seem absent mindedJust keep telling me factsAnd keep making me smileDon't get offendedIf I seem absent mindedI get tongue-tiedBaby, you've got to be more discerningI've never known what's good for meBaby, you've got to be more demandingI will be yoursI'll pay for you anytimeYou told me you wanted to eat up my sadnessWell jump on, enjoy, you can gorge awayYou told me you wanted to eat up my sadnessJump rightBaby, you've got to be more discerningI've never known what's good for meBaby, you've got to be more demandingJump leftWhat are you holding out for?What's always in the way?Why so damn absent-minded?Why so scared of romance?This modern love breaks meThis modern love wastes meDo you wanna come over and kill some time?Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me factsTell me factsThrow your arms around me...

sesame seeds all over my carpet

I went to some charity event and then 7 of us went off to get "voddy for the boddy" *cringe*

Needless to say, after some binge drinking and kissing, didnt come back.

blog number one

Today i bought a top from topshop, which was actually a dress, and i dont normally like topshop AT ALL.
I like this top though because of the lack of back in it, which will be good when i get my next tattoo. heres a picture: oh also, im not a midget, im just kneeling.

Peaceeeee xo

ps. saw a disgusting corset and made up two songs about it with elaina